For the first seven years of our relationship, I told myself (and you) that I didn’t need you. I wanted you. I wanted your company, your love, your opinions. I wanted to wake up next to you every morning, and know that every evening you would come home to me. I wanted the security your love provided. But at this stage in the game, I see how very wrong I was.
…the last year of our marriage has been hard. so.dang.hard. On the days I think I won’t survive, I don’t know how you do. Most days, I am resentful of this extraordinary life you have provided for us. A beautiful home. Three independent, powerful, loving boys. Everything I’ve ever dreamed of, and most days, I can’t even put a smile on my face. I walk around here only seeing all of the negative. All of the toys that I have to pick up. All of the laundry that I have to wash. All of the dishes that I have to clean. All of the yelling and screaming and fighting and wrestling that I have to referee.
But today I promise to change that. I promise to put a smile on my face and view the glass as half full. I promise to put on my big girl boots and trudge through this mucky stage of life right beside you. Together.
I’m going to quit assuming you’ve done something you shouldn’t have when you give me a compliment. I’m going to quit lecturing you on what you already know. I’m going to quit controlling every little thing. I’m going to quit assuming you love me conditionally.
I’m going to quit meeting you at the door after a long day of work complaining about the messes the boys made that day. You’ve given me such a gift to be at home with our kids and I’m forever grateful for the sacrifices you make in order for this to be possible. I’m going to start treasuring every little moment I’m blessed enough to experience with them. Every. Single. One. Even the ones where toothpaste is rubbed all over the bathroom sink. And the ones where I’m mopping pee up off the floor because they decided to have a distance contest. And the ones where I’m bartering ice cream for one more bite of their dang lunch that they insisted they had to have. And the ones where I mop the kitchen floor just for them to stomp through with their barn boots on as I’m finishing up. I promise. I’m going to enjoy these moments from now on.
I’m going to quit putting a strain on our marriage that doesn’t have to exist.
Thank you for sitting by me when I can’t stand. Thank you for comforting me when I’ve earned the “World’s Worst Mom” award. Add to that, the “World’s Worst Wife” award. Thank you for wrapping your arms around me and bringing me back to earth when I feel like I’m floating off to another planet. And thank you for loving me when I don’t even like myself.
From this day forward, I’m going to give you my best. Because I do need you. And I do love you unconditionally. And you deserve to know that.
I love you to the moon and back,