After my youngest was born, life got hard. So dang hard. I had a loving, caring, supportive husband and three lively, bright, healthy, beautiful boys. And I could barely get out of bed. On a good day, I would pull myself to the couch and plop there with no intentions to move. Throw some snacks at the boys and keep them alive until my husband, Ben, got home from work. Keep them alive. That’s it.
My house was a wreck. I never had dinner ready. Ben would come home from work, tend to the boys, and make dinner. Life was slowly, SO SLOWLY, passing me by. I’d beg, pray, plead for the days to be over. Then night would come and I couldn’t sleep. It was a never-ending cycle of fear, loneliness, sadness. Nobody understood. Nobody, me included most days, could wrap their heads around why I was living in fear. Fear of relationships. Because what if I screwed them up? My marriage went through the trenches. My husband is an angel. Seriously. Why this man loves me, I’ll never know. I don’t deserve him.
Fear of hurting my kids. Why? Because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t be nice. Nothing nice came out of my mouth. Ever. “Diarrhea of the mouth.” Yeah, that was me. I had zero tolerance for anything, but especially my kids. Don’t yell. Don’t sit by me. Go to your room. Leave me alone. JUST STOP.
My kids were suffering. My husband was suffering. Nothing was helping. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t overcome this fear. I wouldn’t leave my house. Life just sucked.
And then it happened. I was at my lowest low. It had been building. I could feel it. But I couldn’t stop it. I’ll never forget that day. The day Ben left his job that is 8 miles from our house and was home in 8 minutes flat. The day my mom left her job and came to get my 2 youngest from home and my oldest from school just to turn around and drive back to her job with all three of my kids in tow. The day my sister, her boyfriend, and daughter rushed to meet my mom at the restaurant to sit with my boys while she finished her shift.
My husband ran in the door to me laying on the floor, shaking, breathing heavily. The littles were sitting by me terrified. My heart was racing, but I couldn’t slow my breathing. My mom made it to the house not long after Ben to distract the kids and get them ready to leave. And then, my husband made me get in the car, sobbing and all, to take me to an Urgent Care. While sitting in Urgent Care, I admitted to Ben that I had been considering taking my own life. It was horrifying watching his reaction. My kids were not better off with me this way. No one was. I was poison. I was this poisonous fiend that was destroying everyone’s life around me.
I couldn’t keep going on like this. It was torture. For me. My husband. My kids. My family.
And then it hit me. The cycle had to break. I was inspired to change my life. Change OUR life. I had to eliminate everything negative. People, jobs, unnecessary items in my house. I purged a lot of things that day, including my friend lists on social media and even clothes (because who needs to hold onto clothes from five years ago? It’s depressing.) And most importantly, my crappy attitude. Fear was no longer welcome to live in my home. Or inside me. I still have bad days, but they’re manageable.
If you’re still reading and nodding in agreement; I see you, Mama. And I want to hug you. Motherhood can be overwhelmingly dark and sad and lonely. It’s so hard to talk about. Break the silence. We don’t need to be ashamed, sweet mama. Confront the fear. Take it by the horns. Throw it back where it belongs. Believe that it has no place in your life. This is temporary.
Get a friend that holds you accountable. That makes you feel like you’re not in this alone because you’re not. You’re so not. Find your purpose. Whatever that is. It’s okay to say being a stay at home mom isn’t working anymore. It’s okay to say you just can’t bare punching the time clock for someone else one more day. Life changes. We change. We grow. As humans, we are constantly searching for more. We’re all striving to be the best version of ourselves.
I find my purpose in teaching others the value of living clean, toxic free lives thanks to Young Living. (And in turn, showing them the potential Young Living offers financially for their future. But we’ll save that for another blog post.) Essential oils turned my life upside down. I went from being on a very dark and narrow path to not only seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but living in the sunshine. The sunshine! I haven’t actually felt the warmth of the sun in a very, very long time.
Find your purpose, Mama’s.
And remember, you’re never alone.